pipistrellafelix (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pipistrellafelix) wrote2008-04-29 05:12 pm
pipistrellafelix) wrote2008-04-29 05:12 pm
Entry tags:
thoughts.
I've been thinking. () I do this a lot, probably too much, but when things get complicated for myself, it's what I do--get introspective, try to sort through it all.
Even though I thought plenty (did I ever), I think the enormity of my decision is just dawning on me now. Not that I didn't think about what it would mean, because I did. And not that I didn't know what it would do, because I did. And not that I want to go back in time and change it, because I don't (how I handled things, timing...that, yes. But the facts remain the same). I did make the right choice, the one that's most fair and just in dealing with myself and everybody else. That doesn't make it easy.
I have changed. Maybe not drastically, maybe not suddenly. I couldn't tell you how, exactly (however much I write in journals I'm still bad at self-reflection, or possibly too good, & I get all tangled up).
But one thing I realized today: that in all the thinking and feeling and bungling and fixing that I've been doing lately, the one thing I haven't wanted to do is just give up and be a kid again. I used to have moments like that, where as much as I loved everything my grown-up life gave me, I just wanted to retreat to simple childhood again. I don't anymore. Not really. And I guess that says something.
Even though I thought plenty (did I ever), I think the enormity of my decision is just dawning on me now. Not that I didn't think about what it would mean, because I did. And not that I didn't know what it would do, because I did. And not that I want to go back in time and change it, because I don't (how I handled things, timing...that, yes. But the facts remain the same). I did make the right choice, the one that's most fair and just in dealing with myself and everybody else. That doesn't make it easy.
I have changed. Maybe not drastically, maybe not suddenly. I couldn't tell you how, exactly (however much I write in journals I'm still bad at self-reflection, or possibly too good, & I get all tangled up).
But one thing I realized today: that in all the thinking and feeling and bungling and fixing that I've been doing lately, the one thing I haven't wanted to do is just give up and be a kid again. I used to have moments like that, where as much as I loved everything my grown-up life gave me, I just wanted to retreat to simple childhood again. I don't anymore. Not really. And I guess that says something.
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