I am sitting on the couch in my apartment, soon to be no longer mine. Tonight is the last official night that I'll spend here. A load of things went home tonight; the rest of it (save the kitchen things) goes home tomorrow. I've been cleaning my old room at my parents' house to get ready--it's severely dusty in several places, & I found a spider about an inch and a half across living behind my bookshelf (as long as it stays there, I'm fine, but if it ventures toward my bed there Will Be Words, & also A Jar).
I'm not sure how I feel about leaving, actually. I stepped out on the balcony today to shake out a scarf and realized that I spent very little time on the balcony, which is silly, really. But it was awfully cold for most of the year. I'll miss living with Nikki & Erin; it's fun. I won't miss being downtown, though, for all it's convenient & urban & sophisticated; there's also loads of light pollution, noise, & garbage trucks at six am twenty feet below me.
On the other hand, I feel sort of stagnant moving back into my old room. Probably what I need to do is properly clear everything out, clean it, & put things back in different places. Or at least wash the windows. I've got stuck again--I think this is typical of this age, although it makes me feel silly & angsty to say so--stuck between wanting to stay young & childlike & unworried about things (or at least worried in a naive, unresponsible way), & wanting to jettison everything having to do with childhood, move out entirely, find my own place & be grownup, independent & the only one responsible for me.
The reality I suppose is somewhere in the middle, as it probably is for most people. I won't get rid of childhood things--some of them are still useful, some too sentimentally attached to get rid of; & even when I do move out of my parents' house entirely, I won't take everything with me, & it's not as if I can't go back to visit, & it's not as if I won't have other people taking care of me in various ways. Still. I never like being caught in the middle of anything.
On a far less introspective note, Erin & I are watching Chamber of Secrets on the telly, & after every commercial break there's a short snippet of behind-the-scenes what-have-you for Order of the Pheonix, & we're getting awfully excited for the movie. Tuesday at midnight! This week is going to start out fabulous (Joel's birthday, movie with Erin) & go rapidly downhill (wisdom teeth out on Thursday) but if all goes well & my teeth heal themselves, pick up again (Hitchhiker's opening on Friday, outdoor theater all weekend...). Come to that, as long as I don't feel ill or have really painful teeth, there's nothing bad about lounging on a couch eating sorbet & pudding & listening to books on tape. Kinda like being sick without having to feel sick.