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if only i could sacrifice my life for you
Nov. 19th, 2006 11:18 amI woke up this morning when NPR clicked on, to the sound of rain and the memory of a really strange dream in my head. Last night was the cast party--even though we have one more show today--and it went well, it was really fun--lots of dancing to weird music, and grilling burgers, & hanging out in Molly's incomperable apartment (which I want to live in). Andrew walked me home at two thirty, discussing theatre and holidays and how we said last year that we wanted to raise the freshmen drama kids right, & we'd better get on that. (Coming off of Casey's comment to Andrew that he eventually wanted to be like him, having a ridiculously good time at a party without drinking anything. Good boy.)
Yesterday's matinee was all right; yesterday's evening was a little crazy, and the third act (which for better or worse has become my own measure of the show because of how much I'm afraid of it) was all over the place, by which I mean I really cried for the first time in a long time. Partially because of Bill Taylor, who scared me more than ever during his yell-at-Irina fest; mostly I think because by then I knew that Shana wasn't in the audience & I was really disappointed; & partially because I felt sick. It was a weird show. All of them have been weird. I really don't know where I am as an actor anymore. I don't know where I am as a person anymore, either. I thought I did, at the beginning of this quarter--even though I was feeling sad & confused I knew where I was, for myself. I don't think I know that anymore.
I feel a huge disconnect from my previous life to where I am now--since I think of nearly everything in theatre terms, from the Bathhouse to SU Drama. I feel like I finally found where I'm supposed to be, here at college, but there are moments when I feel completely out of place & want joyful summer theatre on the shores of Greenlake more than I've wanted anything ever.
Possibly doing a comedy next will help. Auditions for As You Like It are the Monday after Turkeybreak...I'm excited. I hope I get in...I'm craving some good Shakespearean comedy.
And now it's time to shower (I have both two shows' worth of hairspray in my hair and alcohol, thanks to Aaron's clumsy dancing--not that I care, I think it's pretty funny really) & then walk in the rain up to school to do one more show. One more time.
Yesterday's matinee was all right; yesterday's evening was a little crazy, and the third act (which for better or worse has become my own measure of the show because of how much I'm afraid of it) was all over the place, by which I mean I really cried for the first time in a long time. Partially because of Bill Taylor, who scared me more than ever during his yell-at-Irina fest; mostly I think because by then I knew that Shana wasn't in the audience & I was really disappointed; & partially because I felt sick. It was a weird show. All of them have been weird. I really don't know where I am as an actor anymore. I don't know where I am as a person anymore, either. I thought I did, at the beginning of this quarter--even though I was feeling sad & confused I knew where I was, for myself. I don't think I know that anymore.
I feel a huge disconnect from my previous life to where I am now--since I think of nearly everything in theatre terms, from the Bathhouse to SU Drama. I feel like I finally found where I'm supposed to be, here at college, but there are moments when I feel completely out of place & want joyful summer theatre on the shores of Greenlake more than I've wanted anything ever.
Possibly doing a comedy next will help. Auditions for As You Like It are the Monday after Turkeybreak...I'm excited. I hope I get in...I'm craving some good Shakespearean comedy.
And now it's time to shower (I have both two shows' worth of hairspray in my hair and alcohol, thanks to Aaron's clumsy dancing--not that I care, I think it's pretty funny really) & then walk in the rain up to school to do one more show. One more time.
