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it's angst. just to warn you.
Jan. 9th, 2008 12:24 pmI don't quite believe it when LJ tells me it's only been two days since I updated. I feel like these last few days, the beginning of the quarter, have actually spanned about a week. Maybe two. I wonder if I always felt like this, or was it just since the beginning of the quarter meant saying goodbye, rather than hello, that it took so long? I don't know.
On Monday I had a minor panic attack about money, re: actually being able to pay for the rest of college, which I more or less alleviated by going home for dinner yesterday & looking over my financial rescources with my parents. Also I'm sure it was made much worse by the fact that I'm not emotionally stable to begin with, right now. Still. I have enough. I will be living at home over the summer, certainly. And unless a heretofore unknown & flabbergastingly rich relative decides to shower me with cash, I will probably be living at home for my fifth year of college. Not exactly the way I wanted it to go. Don't get me wrong; I love my parents, and unlike a lot of kids my age I don't have issues getting along with them. I won't mind not paying rent, or having a good kitchen to cook in & a house to live in that I know and love. I'm just sort of afraid that since I'm at home, I will lose the independence I gained over the last couple years and have to start over; and that since I'm far away, I won't see anyone; that I'll retreat into myself and stay home as a default. And given the circumstances that surround the beginning of school next September, being alone with my thoughts is exactly what I absolutely do not need to do. Usually not ever. Especially not then.
I'm still angsting I guess. And I know why, and not all of it has to do with money and worries about independence. Actually very little of it does. That's just the things I'm allowed to worry about, and it's getting blown out of proportion by something else that isn't related, and that I can't change, and that I should probably be finding interesting ways to phrase in my poetry notebook (as to be productively depressed), rather than skirting around the issue in a blog.
It's just when I'm by myself. So clearly, I need to not be by myself very often. That's not really conducive to doing the appalling amount of reading I have, but hey. It's a start.
In more hilarious news, I have been searching for scholarships online, and some of them are truly wonderful: The "air guitar superstar" scholarship, anyone? Or how about one where I have the chance to get $10,000 for submitting a design for a greeting card? Hells yeah. There's one where I could submit a speculative fiction story to L. Ron Hubbard, & he might buy it for his "Writers of the Future" anthology, which means money for art. Of course he's the founder of scientology. But if he wants to give me money....I won't say no. Maybe I'll get to meet Tom Cruise. *snerk*
On Monday I had a minor panic attack about money, re: actually being able to pay for the rest of college, which I more or less alleviated by going home for dinner yesterday & looking over my financial rescources with my parents. Also I'm sure it was made much worse by the fact that I'm not emotionally stable to begin with, right now. Still. I have enough. I will be living at home over the summer, certainly. And unless a heretofore unknown & flabbergastingly rich relative decides to shower me with cash, I will probably be living at home for my fifth year of college. Not exactly the way I wanted it to go. Don't get me wrong; I love my parents, and unlike a lot of kids my age I don't have issues getting along with them. I won't mind not paying rent, or having a good kitchen to cook in & a house to live in that I know and love. I'm just sort of afraid that since I'm at home, I will lose the independence I gained over the last couple years and have to start over; and that since I'm far away, I won't see anyone; that I'll retreat into myself and stay home as a default. And given the circumstances that surround the beginning of school next September, being alone with my thoughts is exactly what I absolutely do not need to do. Usually not ever. Especially not then.
I'm still angsting I guess. And I know why, and not all of it has to do with money and worries about independence. Actually very little of it does. That's just the things I'm allowed to worry about, and it's getting blown out of proportion by something else that isn't related, and that I can't change, and that I should probably be finding interesting ways to phrase in my poetry notebook (as to be productively depressed), rather than skirting around the issue in a blog.
It's just when I'm by myself. So clearly, I need to not be by myself very often. That's not really conducive to doing the appalling amount of reading I have, but hey. It's a start.
In more hilarious news, I have been searching for scholarships online, and some of them are truly wonderful: The "air guitar superstar" scholarship, anyone? Or how about one where I have the chance to get $10,000 for submitting a design for a greeting card? Hells yeah. There's one where I could submit a speculative fiction story to L. Ron Hubbard, & he might buy it for his "Writers of the Future" anthology, which means money for art. Of course he's the founder of scientology. But if he wants to give me money....I won't say no. Maybe I'll get to meet Tom Cruise. *snerk*
