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I would like, in my life, to have a job that makes me feel good about myself. A job that I actually want to do, that I feel is making a positive impact on somebody's life, somewhere.
This is not that job. This makes me feel manipulative and awful and depressed, & I hate it.
The trouble is that for the last half of this summer I haven't had things to DO--I don't mean social stuff or projects (like cleaning my room) that drag on forever. I mean daily tasks that are meaningful on some level. After Alice & LERT was done, I didn't really have that. & without that I start to feel useless, & when I feel useless I start to live inside my head & my emotions & that's never a good thing.
I've spent this summer both happier and sadder than any summer before, both tougher and more fragile. It's really frustrating. I would like, soon, to be able to be judged on some useful aspect of my actions, not my personal life (& in that I include, perhaps at the top, being judged by myself). Even though part of me is ready to be done with school already, much of me is looking forward to school starting--having tasks to do, having a goal that I can work on accomplishing with set-out things to finish, administrators to argue with, bureaucracy to fight. (I need something to fight other than myself.) I want to audition for the play & to be in it, to bury myself into my head in the good way, the challenging-actor way, instead of the way I've been doing it all summer. I need purpose, is what I need, and goals to accomplish. I could use that about now.
This is not that job. This makes me feel manipulative and awful and depressed, & I hate it.
The trouble is that for the last half of this summer I haven't had things to DO--I don't mean social stuff or projects (like cleaning my room) that drag on forever. I mean daily tasks that are meaningful on some level. After Alice & LERT was done, I didn't really have that. & without that I start to feel useless, & when I feel useless I start to live inside my head & my emotions & that's never a good thing.
I've spent this summer both happier and sadder than any summer before, both tougher and more fragile. It's really frustrating. I would like, soon, to be able to be judged on some useful aspect of my actions, not my personal life (& in that I include, perhaps at the top, being judged by myself). Even though part of me is ready to be done with school already, much of me is looking forward to school starting--having tasks to do, having a goal that I can work on accomplishing with set-out things to finish, administrators to argue with, bureaucracy to fight. (I need something to fight other than myself.) I want to audition for the play & to be in it, to bury myself into my head in the good way, the challenging-actor way, instead of the way I've been doing it all summer. I need purpose, is what I need, and goals to accomplish. I could use that about now.
