i think you have an excellent grasp of details. you make a scene come alive with simple one liners. i think that you should use your punctuation more effectivly such as: *he agrees, and hugs her tightly, forehead to shoulder, hands on waist* excellent sentence. very viseral. so beautiful you should make the reader linger more. such as *he agrees, and hugs her tightly. forehead to shoulder. hands on waist. such a minor change it doesnt even matter.but maybe more effective. also the dialogue is excellent except for the use of the word squabble. seriously i read the story four times. and thought it was excellent but always stopped at that word.. it seems so.. i dont know misused. u are an amazing writer though. sorry for the critizism it is all ment as a compliment. i would love to read more of your stuff. Melody
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 05:35 am (UTC)*he agrees, and hugs her tightly, forehead to shoulder, hands on waist* excellent sentence. very viseral. so beautiful you should make the reader linger more. such as
*he agrees, and hugs her tightly. forehead to shoulder. hands on waist.
such a minor change it doesnt even matter.but maybe more effective.
also the dialogue is excellent except for the use of the word squabble. seriously i read the story four times. and thought it was excellent but always stopped at that word.. it seems so.. i dont know misused.
u are an amazing writer though.
sorry for the critizism it is all ment as a compliment. i would love to read more of your stuff.
Melody