(I wrote this once. And then had to do something stupid and delete it. Buggeralle. And so I tried to write it again. And it isn't as good as the first time of course, but it's something.)
I went to Compline again, which now, I think, is my calm before the week. (Hopefully that saying won't extend far enough to turn the week into a storm.) It is so beautiful--lying on the quiet stone floor of St. Marks--which is a church, but has wonderful overtones of warehouse or attic--and I mean that in a good way--and listening to the sound, the music, which floats on the air in melody and harmony and descant, utterly gorgeous. Come with me next time...it's a wonderful way to start the week. (And yeah, I know it's church, but it isn't Church so don't worry. *grin*)
I've been thinking and utterly confusing myself this weekend. (I wrote this out once...I don't know if it'll be the same this time. I want to try. I want to get this into words.) I think sometimes I project my own emotions onto other people. Or maybe I read too much into their actions, or maybe sometimes I think I see emotion there that isn't. And then sometimes it is. And then sometimes I stop and realize what I'm doing and marvel and how self-centered I am. I never know which is right, and I always confuse myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm picking up on emotions, I'm reading situations, I'm doing it well--and I get it right just enough to make me think it's a good idea. But then I start to wonder whether I'm really as smart as I think I am. Which I'm probably not; but I am just enough to keep the idea alive.
Today I walked and bused to Compline with a few GSAers--I know Mikee all right, but the rest of them I didn't know at all. They were walking in groups of two or three, chatting with each other, and I was in the middle, but not with anyone. And as we walked to the bus, I noticed that I was curling my shoulders in--not noticeably, but just enough. And I do that a lot. Both physically and metaphorically, when I'm with people I don't know, in groups, I curl my shoulders in, just enough to be quiet, and I sit there. I wish a lot that I was more outgoing or talkative with people I don't know.
I was trying to figure out how I make friends, and I don't actually know. Honestly it feels like all the people I love I always did, and there was a day they weren't there but now they are. Most people I don't even remember meeting. Allie I remember, and Anneka too, the actual meetings of (but the getting-to-know afterwards I don't; just the knowing). Emily I don't remember meeting. Most of the Bathhousian crew I don't remember actually meeting either. I remember vague times of not knowing them well, but it really does feel like I've known them forever.
I don't know if I'll ever figure all this out. I don't know that I should, really. I'm just going to go on confusing myself in different ways for a while.
That sounded a lot more depressing than I actually meant it too. Whoops, heh. More later, I'm sure. Come to Compline with me next Sunday...
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