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semi-existential musings
Nov. 24th, 2006 07:04 pmI am on the edge of either a very large change, or a very large smackdown, those two things not necessarily being mutually exclusive.
I have been fighting, these last few days, with a mad desire to change myself, beginning & possibly ending with my style....I dyed my hair today (or rather my mother dyed it), to a brownish red. I like it. I'm taking away the bright red nail polish (that was a mistake), but for the last fortnight at least I have been waffling back & forth about whether to pierce my ears & I think I'm going to. I nearly did it the other day, but I was by myself, & you all know what a wuss I am. Andy & I are going to go get piercings together. Cripes. I don't know exactly why...it's not that I'm having a crisis where I don't think I'm cool enough to be me (I have had those before, but not recently; I know what they're like, & this isn't one of them); I just have a mad desire to shift myself a little, to be more flamboyant perhaps, more striking than I am.
One of my parents' friends who saw the play said that she was impressed with how grounded & centered I was while onstage. I'm taking that as a compliment--even though I was trying to play a flighty character, there is something to be said for being grounded). I like that. I'm glad of it. At the same time I feel like that's always been a part of me, I have always been grounded, mature, practical, I can make smart desisions when I know I have to. Except right now, I wish I could add a little something to that groundedness. I want to be a little crazier, a little more of "oh, that girl" around school. It isn't fame I want, it's notoriety.
(This is a little funny, too, because Andrew & Andy & I (& others too, but they're the ones I'm with the most) keep running into people, all over campus, who keep complimenting us on the play. At least half the time it's people we don't even know. At the South Asian Thanksgiving dinner we went to, Andy & I, & then Andrew & I, had a long discussion with the guy sitting next to us about the play & what was going on, & got complimented rather a lot (which is sort of embarassing). After he left, Andrew turned to look at me with a dazed expression & said, "Um. How did we get to be famous?" I laughed, but really? Hell if I know. It's sorta weird.)
And about that whole making the right decision thing? It's frustrating. When friends who are younger than me bemoan the fact that they don't know what to do with their lives/majors/colleges &c, I tell them not to worry, you're not supposed to know yet (which is true), & I hold myself up as an example--Look, I'm a junior, & I don't know what I'm doing. All this has been fine, except that now I've gotten to the point where I can't do that anymore. I should know what I'm doing, & right when I thought I had it figured out, I don't. I know I'm majoring in drama; that's a given. I can't not do it, not anymore; I'm in love with the people & the art form & everything about it. I won't give that up (thankfully, no one's telling me I have to; if they were, there would be arguments). & I thought I had it all settled with History--Dr. E is amazing, this class is challenging, by the end of the year I'll have a 50-page thesis and departmental honors, go me.
& yet right now I am feeling extremely burned out on history, extremely unwilling to take other history classes that I have to take to get my major, & I'm missing literature classes like mad. What am I supposed to do? Triple majoring, although I want to do it, is insane...& I would really very much like to have some quarters at school where I'm not taking four classes. I am sick of that. I am sick of overcomitting myself. & where does study abroad fit in? Don't even ask. (Let's not begin on what will happen after school. Dr. E asked what I was going to do & I gave her my standard response, "live in a cardboard box." I only say this because I really have not got a clue, & making a joke about it is better than admitting it flat out.)
The fact that I'm having this lovely outpouring of frustration right around Thanksgiving only underscores the fact that on some level this is stupid, because I'm stressing out over choosing among many amazing opportunities & I should be grateful that I have any at all. I am. Don't get me wrong. I realize that whatever I do, I'll make it work, because that's what grounded, mature me does. That doesn't make it any easier, thank you very much.
I have been fighting, these last few days, with a mad desire to change myself, beginning & possibly ending with my style....I dyed my hair today (or rather my mother dyed it), to a brownish red. I like it. I'm taking away the bright red nail polish (that was a mistake), but for the last fortnight at least I have been waffling back & forth about whether to pierce my ears & I think I'm going to. I nearly did it the other day, but I was by myself, & you all know what a wuss I am. Andy & I are going to go get piercings together. Cripes. I don't know exactly why...it's not that I'm having a crisis where I don't think I'm cool enough to be me (I have had those before, but not recently; I know what they're like, & this isn't one of them); I just have a mad desire to shift myself a little, to be more flamboyant perhaps, more striking than I am.
One of my parents' friends who saw the play said that she was impressed with how grounded & centered I was while onstage. I'm taking that as a compliment--even though I was trying to play a flighty character, there is something to be said for being grounded). I like that. I'm glad of it. At the same time I feel like that's always been a part of me, I have always been grounded, mature, practical, I can make smart desisions when I know I have to. Except right now, I wish I could add a little something to that groundedness. I want to be a little crazier, a little more of "oh, that girl" around school. It isn't fame I want, it's notoriety.
(This is a little funny, too, because Andrew & Andy & I (& others too, but they're the ones I'm with the most) keep running into people, all over campus, who keep complimenting us on the play. At least half the time it's people we don't even know. At the South Asian Thanksgiving dinner we went to, Andy & I, & then Andrew & I, had a long discussion with the guy sitting next to us about the play & what was going on, & got complimented rather a lot (which is sort of embarassing). After he left, Andrew turned to look at me with a dazed expression & said, "Um. How did we get to be famous?" I laughed, but really? Hell if I know. It's sorta weird.)
And about that whole making the right decision thing? It's frustrating. When friends who are younger than me bemoan the fact that they don't know what to do with their lives/majors/colleges &c, I tell them not to worry, you're not supposed to know yet (which is true), & I hold myself up as an example--Look, I'm a junior, & I don't know what I'm doing. All this has been fine, except that now I've gotten to the point where I can't do that anymore. I should know what I'm doing, & right when I thought I had it figured out, I don't. I know I'm majoring in drama; that's a given. I can't not do it, not anymore; I'm in love with the people & the art form & everything about it. I won't give that up (thankfully, no one's telling me I have to; if they were, there would be arguments). & I thought I had it all settled with History--Dr. E is amazing, this class is challenging, by the end of the year I'll have a 50-page thesis and departmental honors, go me.
& yet right now I am feeling extremely burned out on history, extremely unwilling to take other history classes that I have to take to get my major, & I'm missing literature classes like mad. What am I supposed to do? Triple majoring, although I want to do it, is insane...& I would really very much like to have some quarters at school where I'm not taking four classes. I am sick of that. I am sick of overcomitting myself. & where does study abroad fit in? Don't even ask. (Let's not begin on what will happen after school. Dr. E asked what I was going to do & I gave her my standard response, "live in a cardboard box." I only say this because I really have not got a clue, & making a joke about it is better than admitting it flat out.)
The fact that I'm having this lovely outpouring of frustration right around Thanksgiving only underscores the fact that on some level this is stupid, because I'm stressing out over choosing among many amazing opportunities & I should be grateful that I have any at all. I am. Don't get me wrong. I realize that whatever I do, I'll make it work, because that's what grounded, mature me does. That doesn't make it any easier, thank you very much.
