(no subject)
Apr. 16th, 2005 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pipistrellafelixThis is stupid. I have no reason to feel messed up right now, except that possibly it's past midnight and I'm exhausted, and I couldn't find boots today so I brought my old ones home and they're all uneven because I walk weird. So now I'll walk weirder; and I don't care how I look but it makes my hips feel funny. And I'm frustrated, just all around frustrated, no reason in particular. And I hate feeling like this, but in some small way it gives me a perverse satisfaction, like having a wild temper tantrum as a kid. Sometimes I really wish I were a kid again so I could have a tantrum and just wail and scream and hit things and people would let me. It annoys me when adults try to stop kids from having tantrums; I always want to say, Hey, let the kid wail for awhile and get it out; I'm nineteen [fucking nineteen years old, why am I this old? What have I done with myself?] and I still want to have tantrums sometimes.
I complained to Claire today (hah, Claire, we are so horrible, I love you), the lack of theater in my life [nearly one whole year since last I set foot to stage--this is Death], and the lack of boy and whatever that entails [the good entailment, I mean, having someone to bother and snog and laugh at and hold forever; not the crazy bad stuff that deep inside me I'm terrified of]. I love having happy dreams but when I wake up it makes me sadder than before--where has it gone? In real life it can never be that perfect, I'll mess it up somehow, I always do.
And college, oh, don't get me started, only I've already started myself; me and LC and SU and the whole fucking mess that whipped me around like a bark in a storm is all coming back again. I do like it here, really, and my classes are good and I'm learning so much and I have friends here [but not true friends, not yet, even though I want it--is the wall there mine or theirs? How do I tell?], but there's just something missing; it isn't home, not really, I don't breathe the air in here and smile happily. Not anymore. I want somewhere new and somewhere familiar all at once, and I want it now, I have not enough patience to be reasonable.
I am sick of being reasonable. I am sick of being rational and doing the right thing and having a concience that guides me on the path of goodness. Fuck goodness. I want to be horrible and break into places I shouldn't be and give into impulses to write things in Sharpie on places I shouldn't write on, and I want to quit school and be a delinquent and live in a library and no that wouldn't work at all and I know that but sometimes I just want to be BAD. Sometimes I think, if I were bad, people would like it better when I was good. It would be remarkable. I'd like to be remarkable. I don't feel remarkable right now. I feel lonely and annoyed and frustrated and dirty, I need a shower and I need sleep and I need a real breakfast and I need someone to hold me and tell me that it's going to be fine and I need to believe them, which is the part that can never ever be.
I don't know what else to say. I don't really know what I've said. This is much longer than I thought it was going to be, I thought I was going to get out my frustration in a paragraph and feel better and go to bed, but it's been longer than that and I don't feel better and I want to cry but more than that I don't want to cry with someone else here, I wish I were at home and I could be by myself and act pathetic and stupid all I want. Even when I'm perfectly myself and not putting up any kind of shield I still can't really relax around other people. [Okay, some other people yes, but my roommate no. Not really. There aren't many people I can forget myself around. And none of them are here right now.]
I'm going to go to bed. Because if I don't force myself now I never will, and I need sleep, and I need motivation--Oh, I've lost scholarly motivation and I hate it, I hate it so much, because I remember when I was little and I was curious about everything and I wanted to know everything and I would proudly state to anyone who asked, I'm going to be a writerexplorerastronautbiologistactorperson, among other things. And now, I can't make myself care. I spend time looking at other people's brilliance without remembering my own and I'm afraid it's going to disappear, and then I'll wonder if I ever had it, or whether it was something I imagined so strongly that it came true for me in the schoolyard in fifth grade but doesn't exist anymore.
Oh, fuckit. I'm sleeping. I'm leaving. I'm stopping typing....now.
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Date: 2005-04-16 09:33 am (UTC)I've definitely had the loss of motivation and being jealous of my past self happen a few times since I went off to college.
However, there's plenty that you can do now that you hadn't done or couldn't do then, and you're a talented individual—in many ways. You also have many people who care about you.
It's good to get it out in writing or conversation, but don't get stuck in…because then you'd be letting those feelings come true.
If you need someone to talk to, just let me know.
I hope tomorrow is better, and you'll go and do something that makes you happy.
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Date: 2005-04-16 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 03:24 pm (UTC)I'm sorry. I'm not sure what to say... if it were IM or in person I'm sure I'd come up with something, but I've just no idea in an LJ comment. Love you. It'll be alright, even if you don't think it will now. You are a kickass person, and I don't want you to think otherwise, ya hear?
*hugs*
P
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Date: 2005-04-16 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 03:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 06:03 pm (UTC)Love you Claire!
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Date: 2005-04-16 05:22 pm (UTC)Most people have it in college, I had it this year.
and there is nothing you can do about it!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry, does this help? I don't think it does...
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Date: 2005-04-16 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 05:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 05:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 06:12 pm (UTC)God it's boring.
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Date: 2005-04-16 11:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 06:11 pm (UTC)I have a present for you... :)
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Date: 2005-04-16 11:09 pm (UTC)Prezzie? Ooh.
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Date: 2005-04-16 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-16 11:07 pm (UTC)...I hope you're feeling better though. I am, a bit. The railing helps. :)
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Date: 2005-04-16 11:15 pm (UTC)Or chocolate. Chocolate is good too.
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Date: 2005-04-17 12:02 am (UTC)...bah, is it As You? "Let us sit together and rail against Mother Fortune," or something like that...
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Date: 2005-04-17 04:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-17 04:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-17 01:52 pm (UTC):-P
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Date: 2005-04-17 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-17 07:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-17 07:15 am (UTC)