First off I would like to say that Kayla is such a fun director to work with. Patrick & Kayla & I spent all afternoon filming the second half of her movie, all the fantasy bits. She made a preliminary edit while we ate dinner & let me tell you, it is incredible, & I'm not just saying that because I'm in it.
Also I spent a lot of the time driving around in Kayla's sister's car, a small, sexy, red Volvo named Lolita, with the windows down & music playing & sunglasses on. I could taste summer. (It tastes good.)
So, really, today's events were pretty good. On the bus to Kayla's I made a to-do list for myself, which spanned the entire page. While I was making it I felt really on top of things, a Hey I'm Making A List & I'm Gonna Cross It All Off kind of feeling.
Yeah, well. I don't feel like that now. I feel like crying with frustration at myself, for being a stupid overachiever, with overwhelment at everything that has to get done before Friday (so by Thursday night, that means), with terror at this whole study abroad thing that just got much more complicated by the addition of another program (theater, in Ireland. Oh GOD). I'm just fucked, I feel stupid, I don't feel like I have a handle on anything. I always feel like this at night, & night is when I have time to do homework. That's gotta change. I'm never going to get anything done like this.
I don't want to do this (I will of course, but I don't want to). I want..well, I know what I want, & I'm not going to get it for a while, so I may as well stop talking & try to be useful. Dammit.
...I guess I haven't said anything about Virginia. I don't...I don't have anything to say. It's all been said already. I just...yeah. I have nothing.
ETA (1:27 am): Well, I crossed off two of the things on my list, & am well on my way to crossing off a third. I haven't really touched any of the millions of subpoints on the biggest thing (my thesis obviously*), but at least it's something.
[*I remember back in senior year of highschool I had to name my thesis Abigail because I was getting so sick of opening up the file titled "thesis." This one is just called "Margaret" but I'm thinking of giving it a different name just to keep myself from hating the name Margaret by the end. Maybe "Arthur." Or "Janine."]
Also I spent a lot of the time driving around in Kayla's sister's car, a small, sexy, red Volvo named Lolita, with the windows down & music playing & sunglasses on. I could taste summer. (It tastes good.)
So, really, today's events were pretty good. On the bus to Kayla's I made a to-do list for myself, which spanned the entire page. While I was making it I felt really on top of things, a Hey I'm Making A List & I'm Gonna Cross It All Off kind of feeling.
Yeah, well. I don't feel like that now. I feel like crying with frustration at myself, for being a stupid overachiever, with overwhelment at everything that has to get done before Friday (so by Thursday night, that means), with terror at this whole study abroad thing that just got much more complicated by the addition of another program (theater, in Ireland. Oh GOD). I'm just fucked, I feel stupid, I don't feel like I have a handle on anything. I always feel like this at night, & night is when I have time to do homework. That's gotta change. I'm never going to get anything done like this.
I don't want to do this (I will of course, but I don't want to). I want..well, I know what I want, & I'm not going to get it for a while, so I may as well stop talking & try to be useful. Dammit.
...I guess I haven't said anything about Virginia. I don't...I don't have anything to say. It's all been said already. I just...yeah. I have nothing.
ETA (1:27 am): Well, I crossed off two of the things on my list, & am well on my way to crossing off a third. I haven't really touched any of the millions of subpoints on the biggest thing (my thesis obviously*), but at least it's something.
[*I remember back in senior year of highschool I had to name my thesis Abigail because I was getting so sick of opening up the file titled "thesis." This one is just called "Margaret" but I'm thinking of giving it a different name just to keep myself from hating the name Margaret by the end. Maybe "Arthur." Or "Janine."]